The 'benefits' of friends

So, last week, four people, out of the blue, PMed or emailed me and said, 'hi,' and 'how are you?'

I don't know what that means to you, but what it means to me is how brave each of these people, my friends, that I haven't heard from in a while, for some, more than a year, to just *boink* get up one day and say 'hi' and see how little `phfina is doing.

And now, it doesn't matter how I was doing before. How I'm doing now is wonderfully! Thank you, my friends, for being brave, for being kind, for being thoughtful, for ... caring. For caring about little me and how I'm doing.

And you, my dear friends reading this little note, having not written me.

It's okay. It hurts, but it's okay. I understand that it can be a scary thing to write to me, because I'm a scary person, and you never do know if I'm in a fit of desperation and depression so deep you won't know what hit you when I savage you back with my: "How am I doing? Who the fuck are you to ask me how I'm doing? I just fucking tried to kill myself because I fucking hate my life, and you ask me how I'm doing?"

Yeah. 'Bitch' isn't a word to describe me, because bitches fear me. That's a known fact.

And other times I'm so full of love and understanding and sweetness you say 'well, who needs heroine?' Really! And you just float in my love, and you offer to get me hitched to you so you can drag me away to your bedroom and have your wicked ways with me only stopping for pee breaks and supper so you can explain to your parents you have this new live-in pet you're keeping forever.

You never know what you're getting with me, and so I understand that it's hard sometimes, or all the time, to write to me, because you've read my stuff and who can talk to somebody who writes this stuff, and what do you say to her when you write? "Hi. How are you doing?"

That's sometimes hit or miss.

That's me, a hit or miss kind of girl.

But something that hits it out of the park for me is ... you.

"You. Can I hug you?"

When you reach out to me, with your heart? I read that. I feel that. In my bones.

And it gives this little girl one more reason to live one more day.

And maybe even 'update soon' that chapter. ;)

I love you.

Busted!

So, I submitted a story titled "Merry Christmas" to this site about Rosalie, with Bella, and all the yummy things she does to Bella. Got some positive reviews, 2,000 hits, all that.

Then I got this notification from the great pooh-bahs at ffn:

"phfina,

Title: "Merry Christmas"
Summary: "'Twas the night before Christmas, and throughout the dorm, not a kid in her dorm room, 'cause they all had gone home. Except me, and my Christmas present to me, all tied up in a little, tiny red bow: Bella Swan."
Rating: "Rated: M"
Storyid: 9957895

Main reason for removal: "Rating: explicit content or adult content above current rating"

The above story has been removed because it violated the guideline detailed on the upload page.

www-dot-fanfiction-dot-net-slash-guidelines

FanFiction.Net has a set of guidelines for the uploading of stories and chapters."

So, they took down the story. BUSTED!

Well, I saved the story on my laptop, and, BONUS! my laptop hasn't crashed (much) today, so I'm uploading it to my literotica-com account. I suppose ffn is telling me it belongs there.

So, that's the temporary fix.

But I don't know what to do in the long term, because of this: my girls like each other, ... love each other, in fact, and they express that love through little hugs and rubs and coo-coo-I-luv-you! and all that, but they also, SHOCKER! have s.m.e.x. SMEX, and if I can't write that on ffn, then I may not be able to develop my stories as fleshed-out things on ffn.

What does that look like? I don't know yet. Does that mean I'll start a story on ffn and keep the vanilla action on ffn and put in the chapter the following message: "And for what happens after we fade to black, please go to the side story X on literotica-dot-com at the following url: (then the url)"? Or does that mean I have to abandon ffn completely? Abandon you?

Maybe yes. I don't know. I'm sad, but let's take baby steps for now and see what happens down the road.

Whatever happens, my dears, know this: I love you. Thank you for reading my stories, which gave me a voice when I had none, and then, when you gave me my voice, you gave me so much more: yourself, and now I have friends, lovers, brothers and sisters where I had none before.

You don't know how much you just reading my story has meant to me.

Thank you. I love you.

kisses, `phfina

I have a ... fan club?

Okay, is this shameless self-promotion?

I have a `phfan club on `phfacebook. Yes, you need `phfacebook account to access it. Yes, the CIA run `phfacebook. Sorry, what can I say?

But I'm like ... (okay, you paranoids, I don't know whether or not the CIA runs `phfacebook, and I don't care: I have enough problems on my own to worry about the CIA's ... I'll leave that worry to Helen DeWitt)

*AHEM* As I WAS SAYING!

But I'm like ... I have a `phfan club?

(okay, there's no such letter as 'f' ... it's 'ph,' which the one letter φ)

And I'm promoting it? ... like okay, now I'm just starting to get what it feels like to be published and `phfamous. Like bb, who's published, but not `phfamous — he's not allowed, 'cause he works for the CIA (or not, and he's so gonna kill me for even hinting that (not really kill me, okay, you paranoids)).

*AHEM* AGAIN!

So, yeah, all embarrassed and shy and incredulous, 'cause little me? a `phfan club?

So that. Yeah. I have a `phfan club. And you can join it and pose questions and get snarly panthery answers: like you: 'is it easier to write from Bella's perspective or Rosalie's?' ... stuff like that. Or: 'I know this girl just like you and ...'

Actually, I'm not so good with that last one.