I did that!

So I had the flu, then I was blue, and now ...

this.

So a writer mentioned she got into writing because of me, then she mentioned she knows of a writer that got into writing because of me.

("because of me" means I kicked their @sses so hard and for so long that they figured there was less pain involved in just writing and publishing their stuff than having to deal with my 'stuff').

And now they are as thick as thieves, bosom buddies, co-conspirators and fan-girls, for goodness sake!

I mean ... really!

And, I realize, that if I didn't exist, that if I hadn't stepped out and had opened my heart, fully aware and afraid that it would be stomped on, that these two authOresses would have never have met, and this beautiful friendship would have never materialized.

I did that.

AND they tell me, "oh, that saving peoples' lives with my writing thing? You were ... well, ... right." So, not only have I heard from people how my writing has given them a reason to go on, but they have, too. And if I didn't beg, demand, cajole them to write, and shown them, with my own example how it is to read writing from the heart, would that have happened?

Not in this way that it has.

I did that.

And last night, in group, there was a doctor participating, and, my! was he ever furious to be in group: "I'm a leader in my field! I'm a millionaire! I don't need to be here! Why are people trying to fix me! I'm happy! I'm successful!"

What he was, was scaring people. So big, bad Mark, the group leader, took me aside and told me, "You sit with him, and you share, and if he starts to speak violence, let me or another supervisor know."

So I sat with him, Dr. W. and I listened to him, and I told him I heard him, by acknowledging what he said.

And it was like ...

It was like, that's all this angry man needed: somebody to hear him, somebody to say, 'yeah, you did this and you did that,' and not try to say 'but are you happy?' or try to fix him. His wife, his only friend in the world had died, perhaps a long time ago, and he just needed somebody to listen to him and not get all weirded out.

And later that night, Dr. W. was laughing and smiling with his colleagues who had brought him along, and I had told Mark, 'he just needed somebody to listen to him,' and Mark nodded that he heard me, and told me, 'If he has any questions about group, you answer them. I don't want any other assistants helping him.' So I said 'okay,' and made sure the water jugs were full and everything else that a volunteer does ... and made sure Dr. W. was happy.

He approached another assistant, and I was right there: "Everything okay, Dr. W?" I asked in a cheery business-like voice. And he just wanted to make sure his paperwork was in order, so I sat with him and the other assistant (Anya was her name? A cute burnished golden haired Iranian who was 'weirded out by his energy' she told me later, so relieved I was there), and his question was looked into and answered and the group night finished.

Afterwards, at clean up, Mark had a post-group meeting, and three times during that meeting he said that the Dr. had some serious issues until I came along and then everything was settled and taken care of.

And ...

And WOW! okay? I was like, why do people turn to me? I'm not like a supervisor or manager or leader! I'm just little me, little cheery me with what? What makes these great people rely on me and depend on me to get stuff done and 'work miracles' and ... you know! All that stuff!

I was so, so high coming out of that meeting! I was high as a kite, and I was whooping like a banshee and doing little wow-o-wow! victory dances to my car. We had a potentially group-stopping 'problem,' I listened to the man, and he calmed down, and settled down, and ...

And I did that!

And I had phoned in earlier to the supervisor saying I had a cold, but I was capable, should I come, and she said, 'come on in!' What if I hadn't come, and poor Anya was there to deal with his 'weird energy' ... he might've gone ballistic! I mean, really! He was shouting and pontificating at me at first, until he got that I was listening and I cared what he did. But I was there, and the evening was uneventful, and ...

Well, that. It's really, really, really hard for me to see that I make a difference or that people care, and some of you are like, 'um, didn't I just tell you that, like, twenty times?'

And yes, you have, and what exactly is that different that I made in your life. 'You make a difference' means nothing in my hearing, you know. But 'I wrote this story, inspired by you, and a girl said it saved her life.' Or, 'your mirror time entry got me to see myself as beautiful, and now I'm helping girls in institutions see themselves as beautiful now, too.'

That makes a difference.

Mark, when the night started, said, "There is nowhere else you need to be right now than here. Being here guarantees your place in Heaven.: And I had to stop myself from crying. And I didn't even know what he meant or how that could be. But I was there. And Dr. W. was there, and he needed me to be there for him, so that he knows that somebody listens and cares.

And Mark was right. Don't know about the heaven part, but at that moment being with Dr. W., and when Mark thanked me in front of all the volunteers ...

I was happy, and vibrating with excitement, and at peace, because I knew I made a difference in somebody's life, and that difference touched all the volunteers at group and one man who needed a friend for a few minutes.

Yes, I was in heaven. I was in heaven.

I did that.

Now, ...

... and you who know me know what comes now:

You go do that, too.

I love you.