Why? (Silly me)

So, that last post was a doozy.

AND I'm tired.

But gf was all like, you know, Swedish humble with her ... hm, what do I call it? ... 'curiosity.'

"Why do you hate yourself? and Why do you want to die? I've asked you before, but you didn't answer, so you can ignore my questions, but I'll keep asking until I get a satisfactory answer so, ..."

And I could just see her cross her arms and raise her eyebrow, ... waiting. Or give me the big pleading eyes, wanting to know why.

And then ...

Well, and then, I got all ...

Well, you know how, when you're talking with somebody, and they get this thoughtful look on their face? You know what that means, right?

Does it mean they are going to say something thoughtful and intelligent?

No, not really. People know what they know, and don't what they don't, and putting a thoughtful expression on your face (my face) does not bestow instant wisdom. No, the thoughtful look is covering the real look: the 'doi-doi-duh, I'm clueless' look and the 'oh, fuck, she caught me!' look and the 'quick, I gotta think of something smart or witty to say, so I don't look stupid' look.

Yeah. The thoughtful look.

Because anybody can have thoughts. I have tons of them. One of them was "I hate myself! I hate myself! bis-bis I want to die."

That's a thought. It comes unbidden, easily and naturally.

But Saga did what I requested she do. She did the inquiry. She didn't just have a thought, but she thought it through to the conclusions. And the conclusions she made were probably along the lines of: 'Well, that's stupid!'

Me, I just had my thoughts, but did I think them through? No. I didn't do what I've asked you to do. I didn't inquire. I didn't separate my thoughts that I have from reasoning about them, figuring it out to the end. No, I just went, 'wah-wah' and was fine with that.

So, when Saga inquired, it was my turn. She asked, and I had to answer.

But what answer can satisfy "'I hate myself and I want to die' Why?" I mean, really? Why would somebody (I) hate herself (myself)? What reasonable justification can be given for that statement?

I mean, like, there's no satisfactory answer to that.

So, instead, I smiled a little smile. I've been shown up, using my own methods that I've so prided myself on my mastery (What's the feminine form of 'mastery'? Is it: 'miss'-tery?)

Do I hate myself and do I want to die?

Um ... '5th Amendment'?

But under the light of scrutiny, isn't that the funniest statement in the world? Silly, even?

Silly, silly me.

Am I 'all better now'?

Well, I am better now, but a certain reviewer of a certain cathartic story of mine told me my fear will always be with me. Okay. I mean, for now: okay. So maybe I can be friends with my fear ... you know: sometimes. And be like 'oh, I'm afraid; hello, fear, how ya doing?' I mean, I say that now, but even as I say that now, and am not now despairing, I am afraid of being afraid.

But tomorrow becomes today, even as I write, and that today is a better one than yesterday, so I am thankful, and grateful, for that. And tomorrow? That is 'tomorrow-tomorrow' or 'really-tomorrow'?

... I'll have to face that when it comes: I've got plenty on my plate for today, so I'm off to bed now to be able to do that.

Good night.