l(a leaf falls)oneliness by e.e. cummings
l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness
— 'phfina comment: You know in japanime (you know ... yuri *blush*) when a character is so overwhelmed by whatever, by emotion, by the other person, by the circumstance, she is supposed to say something, but she can't so the speech-bubble shows this: "..."
Have I experienced loneliness like this? Like in ch 2 of BloodBuzz? Sure. But it's also so easy to snap out of that feeling. How do I do it? Well, sometimes (okay: a lot of times) I just wallow, and I waste the night in tears. But sometimes I get fed up with my emo angst, and I just get off my butt and just go out, you know? Go out to eat (mmm, grilled salmon salad!), or go to a bookstore or go ... Clubbing ... and get picked up by this really pale cutie (but why are her eyes so black?) or not ('cause she dumps me for her famous cousins ... b!tch, who cares if she's related to the great C.J. Rae and Vogue cover model Rosalie Hale? What am I? Chopped liver?) and just people watch, and even just doing that, I feel a bit more connected and alive.
So, yeah, I'm a good moper (one of the best), but I'm actually finding out I can choose not to do that if I don't want to. And finding that out? Trying that on? It's pretty cool, sometimes.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Samantha the Panther
Gee, 'phfina, that Sam is sure annoying!
Yeah, Sam was being annoying. Ever meet a girl like that ITRW, or are all the girls you know sweet demure things?
Sam is being annoying, because she's just being Sam: she doesn't care, she has no fear, and she's just going to ask the question, and keep asking the question until she's bedding you or until your 'no' is loud and clear.
Actually, if you look at it that way, Sam is pretty brave, 'cause she just asks, she doesn't overthink it (or even think at all), she just asks for what she wants.
Now, that CAN get her into trouble with Rosalie, but then again, Rosalie's pretty sure of what she wants, too. This surety of both girls can make them enemies in a heart beat, OR it could make them recognize a comrade, as they do in this chapter.
You ever notice that ITRW? Tough girls hang together. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are frenemies, and sometimes they are just enemies, but they do gather; just like the fems and the smokers and the partiers and the nerds. Like hangs with like. ... Even the loners hang together.
So, who do you hang with? What's your group? You find out a lot about yourself by looking at the people you are with. AND you also find out a lot about yourself by how you judge others. I sure get that for myself. What are you getting, reading these chapters?
Yeah, Sam was being annoying. Ever meet a girl like that ITRW, or are all the girls you know sweet demure things?
Sam is being annoying, because she's just being Sam: she doesn't care, she has no fear, and she's just going to ask the question, and keep asking the question until she's bedding you or until your 'no' is loud and clear.
Actually, if you look at it that way, Sam is pretty brave, 'cause she just asks, she doesn't overthink it (or even think at all), she just asks for what she wants.
Now, that CAN get her into trouble with Rosalie, but then again, Rosalie's pretty sure of what she wants, too. This surety of both girls can make them enemies in a heart beat, OR it could make them recognize a comrade, as they do in this chapter.
You ever notice that ITRW? Tough girls hang together. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are frenemies, and sometimes they are just enemies, but they do gather; just like the fems and the smokers and the partiers and the nerds. Like hangs with like. ... Even the loners hang together.
So, who do you hang with? What's your group? You find out a lot about yourself by looking at the people you are with. AND you also find out a lot about yourself by how you judge others. I sure get that for myself. What are you getting, reading these chapters?
No shit
So, like a good little girl, I've been responding to my backlog of reviews to my stories.
Hm. Looking at some of these gems, now I know why I had been holding off on this.
Look, okay, it takes courage to review my pieces. I know that. And why? Because I'm as scary as all get out, throwing around big words that you have to look up and my obscure references don't help any, AND THEN my characters are these complex people, nothing at all like the obvious caricatures you read in other fan-fiction pieces where Edward's a god, and Bella's a klutz, and Alice is chirpy-chipper-shoppy and Rosalie's a b!tch and that's all there is to them.
Look. I know, okay. My writings aren't the easiest stories to read on fan-fiction.
So you should have been forewarned, and, being forewarned, been fore-armed.
AND on top of that, you know, already, that I detest stupid people, and not just any stupid people, oh, no: I hate LAZY stupid people.
So when you ask me, "Oh, what does this word mean?" when it's right there in the dictionary? Or I can google the definition?
Or when you tell me, "No, 'phfina, what was in your story is totally wrong, okay? It's like this ..." When I can cite the wikipedia article that supports my writing and destroys your 'oh, no, you're wrong' claim? Or where I can cite the book and page number of the canon that shows you you just ... ARGH!
So, just know, if you're going to be all certain of your facts that you don't look up or be asking questions that have obvious, easily retrievable answers?
Know this: I am not your secretary. I am not your dictionary. My stories are not little serio-comedy episodes on television or youtube that have an obvious conclusion, all tidily wrapped up in 25 minutes (leaving 5 minutes for commercials so you can rot your brain further with sugar that they peddle on that infernal box) (yes, I am grousing like my father). No. I expect you to think, to ponder, to extend yourself when you read my stories. I am not going to spoon-feed you sh!t. No, I respect you, as a reader, too much to do that.
So, do I expect you to think when you leave your review? Do I expect you to extend yourself?
Goddamn right I do. Goddamn right. So you can say, "Nice chap" and I'll say "Thanks! :)" back. So you can say what you liked or what you didn't like in the chap and tell me why, and I'll respect your position or I'll defend mine or I'll do both. Maybe even nicely. So you can tell me I'm wrong ... but you had better be more than just 'Oh, 'cause I know' sure, you had better be goddamn sure (citations will really, really help your cause) because sweetie, I REFUSE to allow you to be LAZY stupid around me. And you had better answer your own 'why' questions to the best of your ability. Like, you had better not be like: 'Why is Rosalie such a b!tch? Why is Bella so spineless?' without first putting on their moccasins and walking a mile, because another kind of person I hate is the stupid PREJUDICED person, that is, the person who makes a snap call on somebody (we all do that, but) without at least trying to get them and where they are coming from. You don't do that? Well, then, why are you even reading my stories? I mean, really! Read something that has 10K+ reviews, read another one of those BxE AU/AH smut-a-thons that require zero brain cells to read or to write.
My stuff: my stuff is precious. I wrote it for you, with love and with care in my heart. So, write your review, please, preciously.
Because me? A prowling panther? No: I am a ton of bricks, iced with sarcasm. Yeah, maybe that will be your experience.
Honey, it's not my job to educate you past third-grade reading comprehension. It's not the schools', even now, especially with the "No Child Left Behind" rallying cry. It's not Mommy's nor Daddy's. It's yours. You are reading my stories, for whatever reason, that means you are a smart cookie. WAY smarter than most the readers and writers on ffn. So, there's this thing called a computer: it has google, it has wikipedia. You now have everything you need to make a pretty good claim that may be even able to stick against me.
Now, for a really good review: write what you liked, what you didn't ... and why. Do you know that that last part is? That's putting you, that's putting your heart, on the line. You do that ... well, I mean, really: you either put your heart on the line, or you don't.
Me, I put my heart on the line, every time. In my review replies, in this post, in my PMs to you, in each and every chapter I publish. Girls, this is me, I am risking everything, I'm all out, all the time.
'Cause I know what it's like to live scared. That's not living at all, that's just surviving or existing. Live. Please. Dare to live. Don't rely on 'oh, this is true.' Don't rely on what you think you think you know. Actually make a stand for what you believe, and actually know what you believe, don't slight anywhere in your life. You are your weakest link. I know this. And you communicate with me?
I will call you on the sh!t you pull with other people, be it your lazy-@$$ed sh!t or your prejudiced sh!t.
Don't pull your sh!t on me, because, really, the only person you're sh!tting is yourself.
Hm. Looking at some of these gems, now I know why I had been holding off on this.
Look, okay, it takes courage to review my pieces. I know that. And why? Because I'm as scary as all get out, throwing around big words that you have to look up and my obscure references don't help any, AND THEN my characters are these complex people, nothing at all like the obvious caricatures you read in other fan-fiction pieces where Edward's a god, and Bella's a klutz, and Alice is chirpy-chipper-shoppy and Rosalie's a b!tch and that's all there is to them.
Look. I know, okay. My writings aren't the easiest stories to read on fan-fiction.
So you should have been forewarned, and, being forewarned, been fore-armed.
AND on top of that, you know, already, that I detest stupid people, and not just any stupid people, oh, no: I hate LAZY stupid people.
So when you ask me, "Oh, what does this word mean?" when it's right there in the dictionary? Or I can google the definition?
Or when you tell me, "No, 'phfina, what was in your story is totally wrong, okay? It's like this ..." When I can cite the wikipedia article that supports my writing and destroys your 'oh, no, you're wrong' claim? Or where I can cite the book and page number of the canon that shows you you just ... ARGH!
So, just know, if you're going to be all certain of your facts that you don't look up or be asking questions that have obvious, easily retrievable answers?
Know this: I am not your secretary. I am not your dictionary. My stories are not little serio-comedy episodes on television or youtube that have an obvious conclusion, all tidily wrapped up in 25 minutes (leaving 5 minutes for commercials so you can rot your brain further with sugar that they peddle on that infernal box) (yes, I am grousing like my father). No. I expect you to think, to ponder, to extend yourself when you read my stories. I am not going to spoon-feed you sh!t. No, I respect you, as a reader, too much to do that.
So, do I expect you to think when you leave your review? Do I expect you to extend yourself?
Goddamn right I do. Goddamn right. So you can say, "Nice chap" and I'll say "Thanks! :)" back. So you can say what you liked or what you didn't like in the chap and tell me why, and I'll respect your position or I'll defend mine or I'll do both. Maybe even nicely. So you can tell me I'm wrong ... but you had better be more than just 'Oh, 'cause I know' sure, you had better be goddamn sure (citations will really, really help your cause) because sweetie, I REFUSE to allow you to be LAZY stupid around me. And you had better answer your own 'why' questions to the best of your ability. Like, you had better not be like: 'Why is Rosalie such a b!tch? Why is Bella so spineless?' without first putting on their moccasins and walking a mile, because another kind of person I hate is the stupid PREJUDICED person, that is, the person who makes a snap call on somebody (we all do that, but) without at least trying to get them and where they are coming from. You don't do that? Well, then, why are you even reading my stories? I mean, really! Read something that has 10K+ reviews, read another one of those BxE AU/AH smut-a-thons that require zero brain cells to read or to write.
My stuff: my stuff is precious. I wrote it for you, with love and with care in my heart. So, write your review, please, preciously.
Because me? A prowling panther? No: I am a ton of bricks, iced with sarcasm. Yeah, maybe that will be your experience.
Honey, it's not my job to educate you past third-grade reading comprehension. It's not the schools', even now, especially with the "No Child Left Behind" rallying cry. It's not Mommy's nor Daddy's. It's yours. You are reading my stories, for whatever reason, that means you are a smart cookie. WAY smarter than most the readers and writers on ffn. So, there's this thing called a computer: it has google, it has wikipedia. You now have everything you need to make a pretty good claim that may be even able to stick against me.
Now, for a really good review: write what you liked, what you didn't ... and why. Do you know that that last part is? That's putting you, that's putting your heart, on the line. You do that ... well, I mean, really: you either put your heart on the line, or you don't.
Me, I put my heart on the line, every time. In my review replies, in this post, in my PMs to you, in each and every chapter I publish. Girls, this is me, I am risking everything, I'm all out, all the time.
'Cause I know what it's like to live scared. That's not living at all, that's just surviving or existing. Live. Please. Dare to live. Don't rely on 'oh, this is true.' Don't rely on what you think you think you know. Actually make a stand for what you believe, and actually know what you believe, don't slight anywhere in your life. You are your weakest link. I know this. And you communicate with me?
I will call you on the sh!t you pull with other people, be it your lazy-@$$ed sh!t or your prejudiced sh!t.
Don't pull your sh!t on me, because, really, the only person you're sh!tting is yourself.
Why is Bella such a ... kitty?
So I received a review of chapter 4 of my story Monsters. The review asked where Bella's backbone had gone.
That's a good question, if you look at it from Rosalie's perspective, as this is the perspective from which the story is told.
It's a good question that perhaps most of fandom asks. Why is Bella such a pussy/wuss/disgrace to feminism? Yeah, why!
Okay, the thing about Bella. Well, you have to be careful about the perspective in the story. This is a first person point-of-view story from Rosalie's perspective, so we see Bella as Rosalie sees Bella, as this weak little indecisive girl, right?
But what is actually going on in this chapter? Bella stood up for what she wanted to do, against Rosalie, and what happened? Rosalie backed down. Not Bella. So why isn't the question 'why is Rosalie so weak?' instead?
It's because of the perspective.
If you look at what Bella says and what Bella does, not what Rosalie is thinking about all this, do you see that the behaviors Bella is exhibiting are consistent with the Twilight books?
I think my writing is doing something that most readers don't expect: I honor the characters. Bella is like Bella is, but instead of making her OOC ("Out Of Character"), I honor her for what and for who she is.
And to me, Bella is strong. She is so, so strong. Here is a girl who is in the world of vampires and werewolves. I don't think you get that. If you did, you would see that there is absolutely nothing Bella can do in any situation. In every case, she could be torn to shreds by one creature or another, even by mistake. I mean, she broke her hand on Jacob's chin, and he didn't even feel a thing. And the bloodlust? She cuts her finger and she clears the house of the family she loves and who loves her.
Because if she didn't clear the house, she would be supper.
Bella is helpless, trapped, powerless.
BUT!
But she still demands that she be treated as a person, not even as an equal, but just as somebody you just can't step on. Could they step on her? Sure. But she demands that they don't. And do they listen to her? Edward didn't. She had to say 'I'm going to go insane here if you don't ...' before he would even think only of what he thought was best for her (which would have ended up with her being Victoria's supper, no doubt there at all).
In this chapter, Rosalie could say: no, you're doing the project. And what could Bella do? Cry like a baby? Give in? She did neither. She stood for what she wanted and she made Rosalie accept that.
AND she was still entirely sweet, shy, humble Bella doing it. Rosalie let her, yes. Rosalie had to let her, and that's why Rosalie is Rosalie, and not Edward. After all, Rosalie is the only Twilight character who didn't walk all over Bella but listened to her and respected her wishes. No, more than that: stood by Bella. The only one.
But even if Rosalie were Edward, Bella would still prevail. And why?
Because Bella is Bella. And that's all she's got going for her. She knows this, down to her bones, down to her marrow: Bella is 'just' Bella, and Bella is all she's got, the only thing she's got in this crazy mixed-up topsy-turvy world. She knows this: that she has this one thing, herself.
And that's one more thing that she has than what most of the rest of the people in this world have.
Bella is Bella in this chapter, and I am so, so proud of her for being just that here, and always.
That's a good question, if you look at it from Rosalie's perspective, as this is the perspective from which the story is told.
It's a good question that perhaps most of fandom asks. Why is Bella such a pussy/wuss/disgrace to feminism? Yeah, why!
Okay, the thing about Bella. Well, you have to be careful about the perspective in the story. This is a first person point-of-view story from Rosalie's perspective, so we see Bella as Rosalie sees Bella, as this weak little indecisive girl, right?
But what is actually going on in this chapter? Bella stood up for what she wanted to do, against Rosalie, and what happened? Rosalie backed down. Not Bella. So why isn't the question 'why is Rosalie so weak?' instead?
It's because of the perspective.
If you look at what Bella says and what Bella does, not what Rosalie is thinking about all this, do you see that the behaviors Bella is exhibiting are consistent with the Twilight books?
I think my writing is doing something that most readers don't expect: I honor the characters. Bella is like Bella is, but instead of making her OOC ("Out Of Character"), I honor her for what and for who she is.
And to me, Bella is strong. She is so, so strong. Here is a girl who is in the world of vampires and werewolves. I don't think you get that. If you did, you would see that there is absolutely nothing Bella can do in any situation. In every case, she could be torn to shreds by one creature or another, even by mistake. I mean, she broke her hand on Jacob's chin, and he didn't even feel a thing. And the bloodlust? She cuts her finger and she clears the house of the family she loves and who loves her.
Because if she didn't clear the house, she would be supper.
Bella is helpless, trapped, powerless.
BUT!
But she still demands that she be treated as a person, not even as an equal, but just as somebody you just can't step on. Could they step on her? Sure. But she demands that they don't. And do they listen to her? Edward didn't. She had to say 'I'm going to go insane here if you don't ...' before he would even think only of what he thought was best for her (which would have ended up with her being Victoria's supper, no doubt there at all).
In this chapter, Rosalie could say: no, you're doing the project. And what could Bella do? Cry like a baby? Give in? She did neither. She stood for what she wanted and she made Rosalie accept that.
AND she was still entirely sweet, shy, humble Bella doing it. Rosalie let her, yes. Rosalie had to let her, and that's why Rosalie is Rosalie, and not Edward. After all, Rosalie is the only Twilight character who didn't walk all over Bella but listened to her and respected her wishes. No, more than that: stood by Bella. The only one.
But even if Rosalie were Edward, Bella would still prevail. And why?
Because Bella is Bella. And that's all she's got going for her. She knows this, down to her bones, down to her marrow: Bella is 'just' Bella, and Bella is all she's got, the only thing she's got in this crazy mixed-up topsy-turvy world. She knows this: that she has this one thing, herself.
And that's one more thing that she has than what most of the rest of the people in this world have.
Bella is Bella in this chapter, and I am so, so proud of her for being just that here, and always.
Grown Up by Edna St. Vincent Millay
Grown Up by Edna St. Vincent Millay
WAS it for this I uttered prayers,
And sobbed and cursed and kicked the stairs,
That now, domestic as a plate,
I should retire at half-past eight?
— 'phfina's comment: Heh! "retire at half-past eight"? I should be so lucky! ... Yes, I am writing again, m'dears.
WAS it for this I uttered prayers,
And sobbed and cursed and kicked the stairs,
That now, domestic as a plate,
I should retire at half-past eight?
— 'phfina's comment: Heh! "retire at half-past eight"? I should be so lucky! ... Yes, I am writing again, m'dears.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you had to see that. No, dear reader, it wasn't about you. Really. Sometimes I make myself smaller than I am. I don't like it when I see other people do that, but that's okay with me? No, it's not. It's so unfair to you and yucky any way I cut it, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to cut my crap, and clean up myself with you. If I've hurt you, tell me, and I'll make it right between us.
After all, there is so much sadness and beauty in the world that I am creating here, on this site, with you; so much to express and to share.
And isn't that something? Sharing a bit of beauty that I see with you, and you, sharing back what you see?
I mean, really, 'phfina; what else is there: I share with you, you share with me, ... and that's ... beautiful.
Just like you. Just like me. I see you as beautiful, and you see me that way. Thank you.
After all, there is so much sadness and beauty in the world that I am creating here, on this site, with you; so much to express and to share.
And isn't that something? Sharing a bit of beauty that I see with you, and you, sharing back what you see?
I mean, really, 'phfina; what else is there: I share with you, you share with me, ... and that's ... beautiful.
Just like you. Just like me. I see you as beautiful, and you see me that way. Thank you.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I'm happy!
Sometimes happiness is just so easy to know that I have. "I'm happy, I'm feeling glad; I've got sunshine in a bag. I'm useless, but not for long: my future is comin' on!" I mean there it is: that glow-y feeling, and I'm happy. That's obvious.
But sometimes I have to dig for it, and not in a bad way at all, but I have to know that I'm happy. Like, for example, right now. Little OCD me? (anybody guess that, reading my stuff?) with an inbox with 41 unanswered message and 69 messages total? Do you know how many messages I normally have in my inbox? Zero! Because as soon as I get an email, I respond and then I file it in one of my folders. I did say OCD, right? Good.
And, like, I've got a story I've got to finish so I can finish a story (so I can finish a story (so I can finish a story that everybody and her sister is wanting me to work on ("'phina, when you getting back to Bells Ringing?" me: "Um ... soon?"))). Check my plan ... AND I'm getting story ideas up the ... um, what word do I write right now? ... *blush* I mean, I'm finishing the two-shot "BloodBuzz" but then "Sirens" comes along mid-buzzkill and then I've got this birthday present I'm sketching.
And 'phfina the completer? With so many balls up in the air?
So it's a little bit of a whirlwind.
But then, looking all this, and so wanting to complain, bitterly about it and, oh, btw, I do have a life, ...
Well, I stopped myself from the whining and moaning I was going to indulge in, because ... because ...
Because if you looked at me a few months ago, you know: those two months where I didn't write a word except for a few PMs here and there? I'm busy now. Yeah: I'm superbusy, but I'm productive, and I'm writing some stuff that I like and some stuff that I'm like: ick, but other people like sometimes [stop belittling yourself, 'phfina, and say: 'that a lot of people like a lot!'] and a full inbox with messages that I have to attend to is better than, what just a year ago for 'phfina with an empty inbox and no friends at all. Way better. And, yes, I'm out this weekend, away from the computer and the appt. But isn't that great, too! I'm out. I'm with people ITRW. I'm smiling and talking and listening and they are doing the same.
So, no, I'm not going to get to your PM this weekend. I will get to it. And, yes, I'm pumping out all these varied story ideas. I will get back to the incomplete ones.
Or I won't. I'm mortal. I can get flattened by a truck. I almost did this winter. So I'm busy, busy, busy now, but that is so sweet! I have something to be busy about and I have something to write about and I have readers to read what I write!
I am so happy right now! *glow*
But sometimes I have to dig for it, and not in a bad way at all, but I have to know that I'm happy. Like, for example, right now. Little OCD me? (anybody guess that, reading my stuff?) with an inbox with 41 unanswered message and 69 messages total? Do you know how many messages I normally have in my inbox? Zero! Because as soon as I get an email, I respond and then I file it in one of my folders. I did say OCD, right? Good.
And, like, I've got a story I've got to finish so I can finish a story (so I can finish a story (so I can finish a story that everybody and her sister is wanting me to work on ("'phina, when you getting back to Bells Ringing?" me: "Um ... soon?"))). Check my plan ... AND I'm getting story ideas up the ... um, what word do I write right now? ... *blush* I mean, I'm finishing the two-shot "BloodBuzz" but then "Sirens" comes along mid-buzzkill and then I've got this birthday present I'm sketching.
And 'phfina the completer? With so many balls up in the air?
So it's a little bit of a whirlwind.
But then, looking all this, and so wanting to complain, bitterly about it and, oh, btw, I do have a life, ...
Well, I stopped myself from the whining and moaning I was going to indulge in, because ... because ...
Because if you looked at me a few months ago, you know: those two months where I didn't write a word except for a few PMs here and there? I'm busy now. Yeah: I'm superbusy, but I'm productive, and I'm writing some stuff that I like and some stuff that I'm like: ick, but other people like sometimes [stop belittling yourself, 'phfina, and say: 'that a lot of people like a lot!'] and a full inbox with messages that I have to attend to is better than, what just a year ago for 'phfina with an empty inbox and no friends at all. Way better. And, yes, I'm out this weekend, away from the computer and the appt. But isn't that great, too! I'm out. I'm with people ITRW. I'm smiling and talking and listening and they are doing the same.
So, no, I'm not going to get to your PM this weekend. I will get to it. And, yes, I'm pumping out all these varied story ideas. I will get back to the incomplete ones.
Or I won't. I'm mortal. I can get flattened by a truck. I almost did this winter. So I'm busy, busy, busy now, but that is so sweet! I have something to be busy about and I have something to write about and I have readers to read what I write!
I am so happy right now! *glow*
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