"Happy Holidays!"

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

... or so I'm told. Yeah, another `phfina entry, and this time about "Happy"ness, so you know what that means, right? When I write about "Happy"ness you get a story like Happy Ending (yes, massrié, I will get back to writing that story, I do think about it (and Sappho's Muse) quite a bit).

So, "Happy Holidays."

That's what we say at sbux. We "respect" your views, all your views, at the same time.

That's another way to say we're avoiding litigation, but I'm sure you can read screeds about this, or weigh in with your own views, which, by policy, I "respect."

So I won't talk about that, but I will talk about my holidays, and my "happiness" for them, respectively.

Do you know the saddest two days of the year for me? Christmas and my birthday.

Do you know why? Because I go to parties were there are bright happy people and I give and receive presents, which I am required to be happy to give and to receive.

Do you still wonder why they are the saddest days in the world for me?

Let me break it down for you.

Me, being among people, and being of good cheer? Okay, when my family gets together, what do we do, us Italians?

By definition, an Italian party is one where people are entirely too loud, too drunk, and where there's some requirement that a fist-fight has to break out between two random uncles and, now, cousins of mine, and so my uncles shout at to grow up and to behave (ostensibly like them (?))

And these are people I love more than anybody in the world. I mean, I love them so hard my heart breaks.

So you'll catch me creeping upstairs to read a book, these days it's House of Leaves.

Yeah.

Or maybe I'm checking PMs or ffn, ... at my (late) Grandmother's house? Have they invented wireless yet? Of course not! They don't even have the house wired yet.

And, well, if I go to some ... friend's birthday party and be with all her swanky friends, and there's little (dirt poor) me with all these rich, perfect people talking about the companies they are starting, and oh, Violet, what do you do?

And me, telling them what color apron I wear at sbux? Very impressive.

So you'll find me in the corner, nodding politely, trying not to say anything embarrassingly out of place, wondering when I can get the hell out and hide somewhere with a good book ...

And then it comes to unwrapping the presents, and that the money-shot time, isn't it? Because that's the time I discover how much this person who loves me so much to give me a gift has no idea at all about me, what I like and what I don't, and now I have to pretend to be so happy to be receiving this gift of whatever it is and I don't even know what it is and what I'm going to do with it, and I have to be happy for this person so their heart doesn't break. Or when I give somebody a gift, and I get to see that same look in their eyes as they try to be happy and pleased at something I was so excited to give them and how little I know of this person, this friend, this sister, this brother, this mother, this father, who I'm supposed to know at least something about and how terribly I failed at even that!

And, "Happy Holidays"? That makes it so much worse, because the saddest, bleakest time of the year, when every thing's cold and dark, and I'm supposed to be full of Christmas (there, I said it: "Christmas" ... sue me) Cheer, and this year I'm gonna try to go dry, and when an Uncle comes up to me and offers that Château neuf du pape or his Black Label Johnny Walker (please! Cheap Blended Scotch? As if!) and if I refuse it this year like I saw bb do last year and he's still not talking to him, and what if I accept it out of politeness so my Uncle, who never talks to me anyway (you know, I'm the fucking dyke ... that he doesn't actually know that I am, but if he did?) won't give me a death glare every time he sees me (all of twice a year) and ...

And don't talk to me about New Year's and Auld Lang Syne when who do I grab ahold of and hug at midnight when a ball drops on a stick and why? And no, thanks, it's nice of you to invite me to your New Year's Eve party where I know whom again and I'm supposed to be happy with all the people you know so well, when all I want to do is run and hide and puke when one of them comes up to greet me and ask my name and 'Oh, what do you do?'

So, yeah: "Happy" "Holidays" to you. But you wonder why that's all I can offer? That is to wish that for you? Happiness on the "Holidays"?

Me? Hm. What do you wish for, `phfina?

Well, actually ... I do wish for your happiness, with all my might. When you are happy — God! — I'm so, so happy for you, even if your happiness is to cry in sorrow over some loss you've just shared with me, even if your happiness is to get that girl of your dreams that you had no idea was the girl of your dreams until last week, and you found that out because of a conversation you've had with me? GOD! I'm so, so happy for you: that you are happy.

And, you know? When I'm happy, I'm happy. And I am a little Irish girl — even though I have know idea what that is, as I have absolutely no roots, being an all-American girl that I am — I'm so, so sad when I'm happy, and so, so happy in my sadness. And sometimes, I'm just happy, just bursting with it.

When? Hm, I think, again, it's with you and for you. I'm so, so happy that I've created something of beauty, and I found this out, because you saw something that I wrote or that I did that you found beautiful, and I'm like shocked-surprised, and then ... grateful.

I think ... thinking about it — for I am, after all, a "thoughtful person" (*rolls eyes*) — that is a gift I love giving and receiving: admiration, appreciation ... gratitude.

So, let me do something, these "Happy Holidays," that's admirable and worthy of appreciation and gratitude. And ... well, I'll ask you do to do the same.

And how can you do that? Do sometime admirable, appreciable, grateful?

Be you. Keep being you: beautiful, lovable you.

You know you are beautiful in my eyes? And lovable? You are, you know.

Now, happy? Well, you have to choose that, and *sigh* yes, I know: I do, too.

And, hm, that's a huge, huge gift. When I see a genuine smile on somebody's face, I smile in return, and my insides warm with happiness, too.

So ... yes ... "Happy Holidays!" to you. That is my wish for you now, and for the rest of this year.