How to Write (a review): Recognize. Describe. Share. Appreciate.

How to write?

There are three levels of writing: recognizing, describing, and then sharing.

Good, better, best.

And there are two approaches to writing: indifference and appreciation.

Or (very) bad, and good.

Levels of writing.

Recognize: "Your writing is different."

Describe: "Bella in your story isn't a pushover, although Rosalie bosses her around, but I think Rosalie really loves Bella, too, even though she won't admit that to herself. Also, other femmeslash I read, one girl is mannish and the other girly, but your story, you don't take away Rosalie's femininity, and I like reading that, for a change."

Share: "I had a really shit New Year's and reading your story, seeing two girls who really love each other and are happy with each other? I like being with couples who are happy and strong people but also bend and depend on each other, it gives me hope that I can be happy like that, too."

Then, the two approaches.

Indifference: "Update soon." (What, am I your fvcking b!tch? "Fetch, Lassie! Fetch!")

Appreciation: "You really put your heart into this chapter, and it must have been hard writing it, and, with the material, brave of you to publish it. I liked this chapter. You are one of (if not the) best writers on ffn for being able to write a Lauren fic (a character I hated in the series) and you made me like her."

My advice.

It's safe to recognize something, but it takes hard work to describe how to distinguish it from all the rest of the crap out there, and then it takes courage to share what it meant for you.

It's ... fvcking rude to be indifferent, by not leaving a review after you've read a chapter that made you say 'Huh. Wow.' (Recognize that: "This chapter made me say 'Huh. Wow!' Then DESCRIBE WHAT made you say 'Huh. Wow.' then FVCKING SHARE WHY THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU, for FVCK's SAKE!) It's fvcking rude to say: "More, more, gimme more!" and not FVCKING APPRECIATE WHAT YOU JUST GOT! WHY THE FVCK WILL I GIVE YOU MORE IF YOU DON'T SAY HOW WHAT I JUST GAVE YOU TOUCHED YOU? You are a fvcking selfish, rude, little pig.

Recognize that. You are a fvcking selfish, rude, little pig. Now read that PM or that review you just wrote.

Did you just recognize some sh!t out there, or did you distinguish it, and then, did you dare to share what it meant for you?

Did you appreciate what you were just given, little piggie, or did you put your fat fingers into the dessert tray, stuffed your mouth full of chocolates and then say, 'More!'

If you sent this PM or review to yourself, would it make sense? Did it help? Would you have been pleased to have received it?

Or, since you just sent it to yourself, do you now want to b!tch-slap yourself silly?

I recommend you start b!tch-slapping yourself, right now, and take your review or your PM and rewrite it. Keep b!tch-slapping yourself until you get to a rewrite that doesn't want to make me puke.

So, yeah: keep b!tch-slapping yourself.

I recommend you take that bullsh!t chapter you just wrote, and get fvcking real with yourself and with your characters. Nineteen-nine percent of the problems on ffn is that the writing out there has the fvcking CHARACTERS in THEIR STORIES EMBARRASSED TO SAY THE LINES THEY ARE GIVEN and TO DO THE FVCKED UP SH!T the AUTHORESSES MAKE THEM DO.

Don't be one of the 99%. And you know how you will rise above the crowded cesspool? Put just 1% more effort into your story. That's fucking it. And fucking put your heart into the story.

And then, before you publish the motherfucker, fucking proof read it. I proof read each chapter seven time. You hear me? SEVEN FUCKING TIMES!

"`phfina, you want me to beta your stuff for you, so you can have good grammar, like my stories don't?"

Uh, no. I want you to read Strunk and White's Elements of Style. Now. And I want you to spell-check your document. Now. And I want you to, when you don't know what word to put there, to mark that place, keep writing, and come back to that snag and get the exact word and the right word, and not publish your chapter until you do put the exact word and the right word needed right there.

And I want you not to use the words 'stuff,' 'good,' 'bad,' 'interesting,' and 'different.' Ever.

Never, ever use those words again.

Thank you.

Oh, and if you write 'summary sucks,' guess what sucks even more: your story. Write a fucking summary that doesn't fucking suck. No: write a summary that rocks your readers' world.