Fun and games

"I used to complain about not having shoes until I met a man with no feet."

I'm rather pink right now.

An angry pink.

So, I followed my own advice and went outside yesterday, and got some sun. Fortunately I was wearing a long-sleeve shirt, not a tee on that hot-hot day, or else I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all, as the pain and itchiness would have kept me up all night. My face doesn't hurt ... too much, but the perma-blush is there and it makes me look a little more human and a little less albino. That is, if I could get used to the girl looking at me in the mirror. And the skin is tight on my face. My cheeks are warm.

Sunburn. *sigh*

So, but I went out to a picnic/festival yesterday. Ate a tamale, tried to practice what little Spanish I know, and smiled pleasantly looking perhaps (obviously) lost. But I was out among people, having fun and being pleasant and nice to me, and that was really nice.

So, fun and games.

I called Lisa yesterday.

Yes, be jealous.

Now, I did say you have no advantage if you lived close to me. But actually, you do. Lisa does. I met her in group, and she's a short, sweet little thing, with black hair and blue eyes and pale skin (YES; it's true! *le gasp!*) We really don't look anything alike (Ooh! I love being taller! ... and she has short, curly hair, not long straight hair, and I'm (much) paler) And when we had met, I hated her. I hated her!

She was like: 'Oh, I hate my clients and nobody at work does their work correctly, so I have to do all their work and I have to go to Paris again this week and blah-wah-blah-wah-blah-wah!'

Oh, the troubled lives of executives! ('I have to go to Paris'? Next time, take me!) (not that I could just ask that ... God!) (hm, maybe she needs a ... 'personal assistant'? Do NOT click on that link at work or school! VERY, VERY XxX rated!) Not that I know-know what she does ... we don't talk about work at group, but you get a sense, you know?

But then, one day she got up to share, and I turned to her to listen and she got this huge smile and said, '... and there's Violet, always so excited and cheerful!'

And I was like: huh?

But I listened to her. Really listened. And she said she was going to be a new person from now on, that she was going to be joyful and have fun in her life and she pointed right at me and said, '... and I'm going to ask Violet to catch me when I'm not.'

So I'm like: huh?

(you ever see 'phfina with that clueless look on her face ... it just so cracks everybody else up.)

And so she invites me to her birthday party, and so I was thinking about her yesterday and just, you know, called her up, and we talked and I wished her a happy birthday, and she said, 'You know, I'm really, really glad you called.'

I asked her if she were having fun. She said: 'I'm trying to have fun.'

I snarled at her: 'That's not what you promised. You didn't promise to try to have fun. You promised to have fun!'

And she laughed and laughed and was just so happy, and I laughed with her, so happy that she was happy again, and we said our goodbyes.

And I was like ...

And then at group, I invented a new game. My game is this, and I can play this game anywhere, see? My game is: whomever I encounter, they will be happier because they met me, and I will know that, because they smiled.

So, Darius.

Darius is this big basketball player of a man. Boy. Man. He's easily seven feet tall and muscular and wiry. And shy. And sad. And solemn. Very imposing: a big black man/boy.

A couple of weeks ago in group, Darius shared, and the group leader really dug deep, and asked him why he's never looking anybody in the eye and ...

And she got him to admit that he was afraid that he was making people scared of him, and that he didn't want people to be scared of him, all he wanted was to be loved.

And he started crying and crying as he begged: "love me!" to us over and over again.

Our group leaders can be relentless, you know.

And so I'm volunteering with Darius this weekend, who is also volunteering. And I told him my game after I made him smile and laugh a few times, and he was like, 'Nope, you're not gonna win your game with me, little girl!' And he would try so hard to frown and I say, 'No way!' and would bounce-bounce-bounce and giggle and scamper off, and his laughter would follow me.

And, well, people in group, I'd call them by name and say 'hi!' and they were sullen or thoughtful or sad or angry, but then they would warm up to me and smile.

And so that's my game. I win when you feel better, even a little bit, and I see that in your smile.

And ...

And, well, you know a few days ago I was sad, and perhaps in a few days I'll be sad. And I wrote from my sadness.

And now I'm happy, I'm feeling glad, I've got sunshine in a bag (or she wishes I had her in a bag ... hehehe) (private joke and a private 'hi!'), and so I'm writing from this happiness.

And I'm scared doing it. I'm scared of what you think. 'Oh, she goes on a tear about how bleak everything is and then this? What's with her?' And I'm scared you'll think I'm being hypocritical now or that I'm being hypocritical when I'm sad.

... or you'll think I'm manic-depressive. I'm not. It's just sometimes I'm melancholy, and sometimes I can pull myself up out of that, you know? Look beyond myself to others.

But ...

So I'm scared. Of you. All the time.

But, so what? I was sad before, I wrote about that. I'm happy now (and sunburned, and I went out today, too, so I'm going have an ow-y on my poor face and body AND a headache), and I wrote about that. And whenever I write, I risk something.

So I'm scared. But, so what? I'll be brave now, too, and write this, about being happy, just because, just because I chose to be, and publish it.

And tell you I'm playing a new game, a game where people are happier because we've met.

And you know what? I see their smile, and that makes me happier, too.

Um ... oops!

Just look at the time! I've got to run off to group, but y'all enjoy the rest of your weekend, y'hear?

*'phfina scampers off*

dot-dot-dot.

*'phfina scampers back*

Darius said yesterday, after the supper break: 'There's Violet, my best friend!'

'Said'? Did I say 'said'? He actually bellowed it and laughed through his huge smile.

I have a friend now. I have another friend now.

*'phfina scampers back to group*