Gratitude

Fuck, I hate this.

Why ...

Okay, here's my beef. My last two posts were on Love and Sadness, two words that are older than Latin, reaching back to their Aryan roots.

I mean look at it. You can say: "I feel amiable." Or "I love you."

You can say: "I have melancholy." or you can say "I'm sad."

Which phrases express the feelings more powerfully?

So this post was going to be titled "Friend."

Because you can be somebody's 'companion' or you can be their 'friend.'

Which is truer? Which runs deeper?

Language. The latin language is all expression, but only at the surface. The greek language is all description, but only from the intellect. ... Okay, Sappho hit on something that nobody else has touch for another 2,600 years ... But if you want to get to the heart (not cor, or core, but heart) you have to use a language that speaks directly to what is.

What is scarier? A dog? or a wolf? It isn't the 'puppy' from Hell, folks, it's the Hound from Hell.

We in our descriptions and expressions and analysis have lost touch with what is.

So, no, this post isn't about Friend-ship, as much as I regret it not being so, and it isn't about that other primitive word: Not 'mortality' but 'Death' or 'Tod' (same word, both from the Elder FUTHARK) but about Gratitude, a fucking wimpy Latin word meaning ...

Well, meaning absolutely nothing, so let's call gratitude what it is, not what you want it to be.

Okay, this is what gratitude actually is, coming from most people in this day and age, and, in fact, if you read your histories, in any day and age.

Gratitude is this: sincerity. And sincerity is this: "Oh, I expressed sympathetic feeling, and I 'promised' to do good, so, now, I'm good."

That's it. They're done with you. "Oh, I'm grateful for all that hard work you did."

They are done with you.

You want proof? Collect on the gratitude.

I have. I do.

But not like you.

Gratitude from most people, today, and any day, last anywhere from two seconds to two days (maximum). So, when I'm told, "Oh, we'll comp you your time when we get out of this squeeze" ... what I hear is absolutely nothing.

Because why? Because 'this squeeze' ALWAYS leads to the next squeeze. Or something else, anything else, happens.

So, when I'm offered comp, I say, "Remember yesterday the extra 6 hours I worked through the night to get the report out? I'm taking today off as comp."

Do you know how much guilt-shit I get for that?

Do you know why I get that guilt-shit? Because now I have them under the gun of their promise and I'm collecting on it, unlike you, who never will.

But so they have to live with eating their words, or being a liar, and getting fucking sued because of the witnesses.

THAT is fucking gratitude, you idiots.

Because try collecting on that a week later? a month later?

'Loan' out your lawn mower to your neighbor ... do you ever get it back? and if you do, is after how much nagging from you and with a surly look and a gas tank filled with water from it being left out in the rain week after week, month after month?

Here's what you do when somebody says, 'Oh, I'm grateful.'

You fucking collect on it, right fucking now.

'Oh, I'll buy you a TV.'

Sit the fuck down, right fucking there, open up your laptop, take his fucking credit card and order the TV from Amazon or bestbuy or wherever. If you don't do it right fucking then, then fucking forget he said it, because that promised TV? It's gone, baby, gone.

'Oh, I'll make that up to you.'

Get in your fucking car, follow him to his house, let him get his checkbook, and fucking don't take a check from him, no: follow him to the fucking bank and have him make out a certified check in your name right there.

Because 'oh, I'll make that up to you.' becomes 'Who are you again? And get off my property or I'll call the police' next week, even it was your former best friend.

What does that mean for you, dear reader, reading this entry?

You. And your word. Is shit.

You've made promise after promise to, now, hundreds of people in your life, and you now have absolutely no intention of ever lifting your little finger to fulfilling even one of them.

Do you know how many people in your life you have damaged? Do you know nearly everyone in your life is looking at you with a hurt inside themselves that they will never tell you nor acknowledge to themselves even, but they remember, and they always will remember, that time you promised them that $5 back, and you've never repaid them, and they are still hurting, over a lousy $5 because that's $5 they couldn't let go of. Or that doll, or that TV set, or that time you said you'd come to bed and you stayed up all night, or ...

You go on with that list. You know it as well, and even better, than I do.

But that's not what it means to you. It does mean that, but here's something you can take away from this illuminating little conversation on a Latin word that means nothing to nobody.

The second you open your mouth to speak to your-fucking-self or to, o God save us, another person, another soul you are going fucking crush with your empty fucking promises ... then ...

Then you have a choice. You can shut your fucking mouth right fucking now.

Primus non nocere

OR, you can do what you've done, and what everybody else has done for your whole fucking entire life and say something and not do a thing about it, but since it's been done to you so many times, it's o-fucking-kay to perpetuate on this innocent person you're taking your shit out on. Have at it, asshole.

OR, hm, try something new. You open your fucking pie hole, you fucking better be already moving to fulfill what your mouth is saying. 'I really should work out.' you say to yourself. Do you have your keys in your hand to get into your car to go to the community swimming pool right fucking now? You'd better. 'Hey, thanks for lunch, I'll get you next time.' Well, 'next time' better be supper or tomorrow's lunch, because they'll remember. Or, 'let's go to the movies.' Take out your calendar or iPhone with them right in front of you, and pick the date, the hour and the movie.

You are your word.

And you are other people's word, too, you know. If you've got a promise from somebody else, but you don't ask for that, you hurt them and you hurt yourself. Get it the fuck off your chest and ask them, point blank, 'hey, I'm hungry, let's do that lunch you owe me.' You are doing them a favor. And if they say, 'Not today, I'm busy/don't have cash/it's raining/what-fucking-ever.' then you take out your calendar or iPhone, and say, 'okay, can we do it tomorrow then?' and with their yes, pencil it in right in front of them. People respect people who keep their word and keep their appointment, even if the appointment is the one they promised.

And if they say 'eh' you have two options, hold them to account with the above 'by what date?' strat above, or ...

Or ... let it go. Get it the fuck off your chest AND theirs. How you do that is up to you. Just know that more guilt is ADDING to the burden, NOT relieving it. So, a 'yeah, whatever, you promised, but you're a shit, so forget it' is not a getting off your chest and theirs. They aren't honoring their word. They never will.

Can you live with that? Or you gonna wear that around your neck, and theirs, dragging you both down to Sheol?

There's something about forgiveness here for some people to ponder. (You, if you fucking haven't figured it out yet, dumbass)

But for me, I'm done with this post for now. I'm going to breathe in, then breathe out, and walk away from writing more and get on with my life elsewhere.

Buh-bai!