"Update Soon"

Okay, so, for those of you who want to take on writing well, read this. For those of you who don't, please don't.

You do know your review is part of your writing craft, right?

Cancel that, start ophfer, 'phfina.

Okay, you've just read my chapter, and your socks were knocked off, and you're speechless, and you wish to thank me for that amazing piece of writing, so you're going to leave me a review.

Okay, first of all, thank you for your review.

Now, here's how to avoid a tongue-lashing (the bad kind) from me.

1. share, don't describe.

Look, I know what happened in the chapter, so you don't need to (re)tell me the plot. So tell me, yes, what you liked, or what you didn't, but importantly, tell me why! Why is the 'why' important? It's important because something in this chapter struck you, and saying 'I was struck by ...' tells me nothing and it tells you nothing. And saying 'When Rosalie told you about your childhood, that really hit close to the bone,' tells me nothing and it tells you nothing.

WHY did it strike you? WHY did it really hit close to the bone?

Honey, if you can't talk about this with me or with you, you aren't in touch with yourself, and if you aren't in touch with yourself, you have no way of relating to anybody beyond superficiality. And me? I don't relate in a superficial way. Superficiality is a lie and a time-waster. You want to hide? Stay hiding, but don't waste my time playing your nasty, stupid, fearful games.

My friends and relationships? They are real. Get real with me.

And the payoff for getting real with me? You have to get real with yourself, and when you get real with yourself, guess what? You get real with others, and then you have real relationships, not fake ones.

You know the difference between a real relationship and a fake relationship? No? That's because you've been hiding, withholding, and living a lie. Get the fuck real and start living your life.

2a. don't fucking PM me your real review, hiding behind a fake, pleasant public review

Chicken. Wuss. Moocher.

Listen, sharing with just 'phfina? That's a nice, safe game you're playing. How's that working for you, playing safe with your life, playing safe in the world?

Did anybody ever accomplish anything by playing it safe? Playing it safe is survival mode, and survival mode is for back-stabbing leeches, sucking the life out of everything they can and contributing nothing. Listen, there are other people out there in the world with your exact same issue, and my stories are for you, honey, AND for them, and what you said in your PM may have helped somebody else who would've read it if you left it in a review, but no, now s/he thinks s/he's the only one who feels that way about my stories and now s/he goes and kills hirself because you were a selfish little safe b!tch and PMed me what really happened for you reading my story, leaving this pleasant little nothing of a review.

Well, guess what? Your pleasant little nothing of a review just sold out on you and sold out on that person who needed your words to make it one more day.

By PMing me your real review and hiding behind a safe public review, you just abetted somebody's suicide.

Heavy, 'phfina? Hell yes. It is heavy when you withhold yourself. Do you think I liked writing and then publishing Rosalie and Me? Do you think I was playing a small game?

If you're going to be playing a game, play the big one. The stakes are the same: you are betting your life either way, but the payoff? HUGE difference. HUGE.

2b. Oh, and don't PM me with "Oh, I'm going to review the next chap you publish."

Every single one of those PMs? Not one of those 'people' (and I use the term very loosely, the more accurate term is 'fucking cunts' ... because I'm ashamed for our sex, but every single one of those PMs have come from girls) has ever delivered on her promise, and so I write the next chapter and, behold, no review from you.

Guess what: I remember what you promised to me.

Guess what: it hurts when you break your promise because of your indolence.

Guess what: you aren't a person of your word.

The sad thing is is that the only person who's paying for your sin is me, not you, because you didn't have the guts to review all the other chapters I already have up. Look, I already did the work of publishing those chapters, but you're withholding yourself from me and from the community for my 'next' chapter? Why? The story is not in time, honey, it's forever, and, guess what? So is your review. Are you playing the small game of 'gimme this for that' or 'I'll do it when ...' or are you going to play big and put yourself out there?

3. Write your review, don't write your critique of your review.

"Oh, you're probably tired of hearing how good a writer you are."

No, I'm not.

"Oh, I'm going to say this wrong/stupid/boringly."

No, you're not.

"Oh, if only I had the way of words that you do."

Honey, news flash: you don't. You have something better than that: you have the way of words that you do.

Let me tell you something about me. I am a writer. Do you know how I know that? You told me ... in your reviews. And not only am I a writer, but I'm one of the best, perhaps the best on ffn. I didn't say that: you did. So do you know how I know that I'm touching you with my writing? You told me.

Weak of me? Sure! Yes, I should be this strong, fierce, sleek panther on the hunt, striking terror into your hearts and making your bodies all a-quiver (in several ways), but in reality I'm just a little black kitten pretending to be a panther, who, maybe, on a good day can work her self-image up to an ocelot, but only when you've told her so.

Does it get easier for me? Hell no.

Hell no.

It gets harder. Because why? Because every chapter I write has got to meet my standards, and my standards are right out there for you all to see, because I've already written that awesome one-shot Fireworks. How can I top that? How can I even match that? And here I am, writing this shit chapter, and the dialogue is not coming together and the events are all a-jumble and I'm going to publish this?

I'm fucked. I'm so seriously fucked, because now I'm a has-been who can't write shit anymore, and I put that chapter out, and what am I doing?

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for you to call me out. "'phfina! That chapter fucking sucked! Why the fuck are you publishing this shit? Get back in the fucking game, loser!"

And so when you say: "I'm embarrassed at writing again that this chapter rocked because I sound like a broken record. I'm sorry for boring you with my repetitive reviews ..."

Do you know what I'm doing? I'm screaming so hard at my laptop that I'm crying, and I'm crying so hard that I'm screaming. Do you know what I'm screaming?

NO!

I'm screaming NO! No, you review isn't boring me. No, don't beat yourself up about fucking saving my life.

Because NO! I don't think I'm God's gift and that I'm hot shit. No, what I'm thinking is that I'm in fucking trouble, that I'm a wannabe — a never even has-been because that means I would have had something, and I so fucking don't! — that's been found out, and your review is the only lifeline that I can grasp, but you're beating yourself up for saving my life, for keeping me going? Do you know what I'm reading in your critique of your review that you sent? That your beating yourself up will beat you away from leaving your next review, and there goes my lifeline.

Honey, when you don't leave a review? I know it. Do you know what that tells me?

It tells me that my stuff is shit not worth bothering over anymore.

Your critique of your review is the precursor of you not leaving me a review. I mean who, consistently, does stuff she hates doing?

Besides me, publishing that next chapter, chapter after chapter? In my experience, not many people are up to that. If your review denigrates yourself, it'll be so much easier for you not to leave a review the next time because you've talked yourself out of the contribution that you actually are.

Honey, your own worst enemy is you. Stop this shitty self-talk. Stop it now. Because your biggest fan? That would be me. Do I want your review? Oh, yes, I do. So review my chapter, don't review your review, okay? Don't worry about how your review will fall on my ears. Don't worry: I will so fucking tell you how I received your review. Promise. AND I'll also thank you for your review.

Unless you're a complete prick, crowing about how clever you are at my expense, and then I'll ban you.

I, unfortunately, wrote the word 'prick' for a reason. Guys (meaning the male of this species), why do you have to be so fucking clever in your reviews? "Look at me, Mommy, I'm so clever!" You do know you're hurting me, and you're hurting you. I put my heart on the line and you think you're so fucking strong and manly to poke fun at me? If my piece touched you, tell me it fucking touched you. And guess what? That is manliness. That is strength, ... AND you'll have girls fucking all over you because you're strong enough to be a man and to be honest and open about your feelings.

Well, I mean, girls who ... you know ... well, ... okay, um, never mind, okay? *blush*

No, I'm not going to give you my phone number, okay?

Um.

4. "Update soon"? Why don't you just write "fuck off and die"?

... because that's what I do when I read those words.

Some of you have experienced this, by your writing or by your leaving an honest heart-felt review (in your native language). You've seen the tremendous responses you've received by daring to put yourself out there. You've felt the absolute terror of being singled out, hunted down and examined under the microscope by tens, by hundreds, by thousands of people.

Now, as I say in my story Monsters: "Be Me."

Be me when I agonize over every phrase, like "Bella's adam's apple," or every twist and turn of the plot (like, OMR, everything that happens in my one-shot Prowling Panther). Am I really going to publish this? If I do, they are going to see me behind my writing, they are going to see me, and they are going to know me, and then they are going to come with their pitchforks and torches, they are going to bust down my door, and they are going to burn me at the stake.

Yes. Every chapter. That's what I'm thinking.

And I just put out this chapter, and I'm agonizing, and I get your review that says "update soon"? So, why? So I can go through that torture again so I can get your next review that says fucking nothing about the chapter I just put out there and just says to "update soon"?

Honey, your review for this chapter is your review for this chapter.

What happened in this chapter that touched you, and why?

If you have nothing to say about this chapter in the review for this chapter, what is the point for me to write you the next chapter? In your review for this chapter, tell me about this chapter! Because you're saying "update soon" says: "I burned through this chapter and have nothing to say about it, your story means nothing to me other than what the next chapter will reveal because this chapter didn't do it for me, leaving me wanting, so you'd better step up your game and not publish a shit chapter like this one."

Sure. Sure you say: "but I'm writing 'update soon' to encourage you, 'phfina, to write the next chapter. I liked this chapter so much that I can't wait for the next one." I know that is your intent, but think out these words fall on me. Be me. Write a chapter and have a reader leave you a review that says "update soon" and see out that feels.

And not say: "'Update soon'? WTF about this chapter, b!tch? Didn't I just kill myself over this chapter? Where is the fucking love?"

And the irony is, some of you have felt this exact thing. I know because you've told me. Yet you still fucking write those words in your review. WTF is this? "Do onto others what has been done onto me"?

"Update soon"? "Can't wait for the next chapter"? Shame on you. Fucking shame on you.

And you know what? You're writing "update soon" shames your parents. Didn't they teach you to be grateful for the gift you've received? Not to be grabby? Guess what: the chapter I just wrote? That was my gift to you. You're saying "update soon"? That says not: "thank you for your gift." No, it says: "gimme more!" Did your parents raise you that way? I can see that from your review you just left that shames your parents.

Sit on that one for a while: everything you do reflects on you and reflects on your parents. Think about the next thing you write before you press 'send,' not after, right? Because your parents taught you to think before you speak, right?

So the shameful things you do shames you and shames your parents. And the honorable things you do honors you and honors your parents.

And do you know who I want to hang with? I can't stand company that says 'oh, boo-hoo, and my parents disempowered me' and all that shit. All I can think is: 'get me away from this slime ball!'

No, I want to be with a person who's at peace with their parents because they just love them or because they made peace with them.

A man who honors his father? I'm like, wow! I'm like: there's a man brimming with self-confidence; that's not a man, that's Superman! That's a hero among men!

So hard to find these days: a good man. A man who doesn't despise his father, but honors him.

A girl who loves her mom, who says her mom is her best friend?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I just want to hang with her and honor her and tell her how awesome she is. That's a girl I want as a friend. That a girl who's not mired in shit. That's a girl who's up to something. That's a girl I love to love.

Honor your parents.

Oh, and for those of you hiding stuff from your parents? You know what I mean! Like you haven't come out to your own mother?

What the hell is that all about? First of all, do you think you can hide anything from your parents? They know. They fucking know something's up, that something's not right, and by hiding this from them, you are torturing them. And second of all, how can you honor somebody that you hide stuff from? Get counseling or support or whatever, but get real, for God sake! with your parents. Yes, you can get thrown out of the house. Yes, you can be disowned. I know that. I've seen that. Not personally, thank God! So do it right, do it under advisement with full awareness of what could happen. Don't just break the news to them on Christmas break, for God's sake, but do do it, if you plan to honor your parents fully and honestly.

For those of you who don't have this issue ... well, you actually do if you are hiding anything from your parents, and, by extension, from anybody. Come out of hiding. Stop withholding yourself from the ones you love and the ones who love you. Honor them.

Love them.

The Game

For those of you who haven't experienced this, well, I highly recommend this for your character development. Write something, put it out there, and see what happens. That will really show you what kind of person you are. That will really show you your strengths and weaknesses. You up for that kind of game?

If you are, do that, PM me, and I'll send you a cookie. Yay, you win the game, and here's your prize.

And, bonus, you've accomplished something. It's out there, your work, and now nobody can ever take that away from you.

If you aren't, well, okay. So then, be strong in another way: leave me a review of the chapter you just read. Share, don't describe. Leave a real review in your review, not in a PM to me. Don't denigrate your review in your review; if anything, revel in it, and don't write 'update soon' in your review and don't look for fucking synonyms to that phrase, but honor the chapter reviewed. Savor it.

... and I'll send you a cookie. Congratulations, you've won the game.

Or, be very, very brave and leave your very first review ever, and write "Good chapter; update soon" because you don't know any better, and you don't have any other words to express your admiration ... yet.

... and I'll send you a cookie. You were brave. You've won the game.

You may wish to PM me "'phfina, don't beat me up, this is my first review, and I don't know what to say in my review and ..." and blah-blah-blah.

Not that that PM will do you any good. You've been alive on this planet for how long? And you don't know what to say?

Honey, you do know what to say. All it requires is for you to step out, like you did leaving your review, and come from hiding from yourself and say what's really real for you.

And do you know what happens when you do this, when you finally begin to start to get really real?

You start to live. You start to be not afraid anymore. Those weights on your shoulders come off. Other people PM you and say "OMG! I felt the same way, too, and you're so brave!" And you are brave, and courageous, and ... loved.

You start to love and be loved.

For real. Not for fake. For real.

And then the game really begins.